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Jokes Are An Important Part Of Life Because They Help Balance People's Brain Hemispheres

THE NEW KINDER GENTLER OFFICE

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers , therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO.......

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

THE WORLDS WORST VIRUS

If you receive e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.

This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new telephone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead; such is the power of Badtimes.

It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.

FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE!

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to anyone else.

4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative
as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE MALE!

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is right around the corner.
3. They look attractive-until you take them Home.
4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

WORK VS. PRISON

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison a guard locks, unlocks...opens and closes all doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.
At work you can't even speak to family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At work we call them managers.

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